When our children start behaving differently, it can cause concern. They might be snappier, be spending more time in their bedroom, or have trouble sleeping. Children who are usually well behaved might start being naughty, or school grades begin to slip. As parents, we worry about these things. The child we know and the behaviour we are familiar with is changing, and we don’t know why.
Well meaning friends and family might attempt to ease your fears, saying things like ‘it’s just a phase’ or ‘he will grow out of it.’ Often they are right, and whilst most young people can overcome difficulties, sometimes they spiral into something bigger and more worrying.
So how do you know if it is just a phase, or if it’s time to take action? And what should you do about it?
Notice what’s normal
It’s really important to be familiar with what is normal for the child or young person in question. Unless you know what is usual, you can’t be aware of what is unusual. So noticing your child and paying attention to them, even when there’s nothing to worry about, is crucial to be able to address situations that do require worrying.
Pick up patterns
If something happens once or twice, it’s probably not a big issue. Problems come when a negative behaviour or action becomes a recurring pattern. Not only is it more damaging to every day life, the more we do something, the more ingrained it becomes, and so the habit is harder to get out of. If you notice something becoming more regular than irregular, and it’s having a detrimental effect on your child’s or family’s life, it’s time to take action.
Talk together
Speak to your young person. If you’re worried about your child or teenager, it’s important to connect and communicate with them. This isn’t about nagging or shouting, but engaging in a proper conversation, listening and speaking equally. How much you say and what you talk about obviously depends on the age and maturity of your child. What’s important is that you speak in a caring way, let them know that they can trust you, and listen to their answers.
Intervene gently
If you are worried about your child or teenager, it’s your job as a parent to do something about it. However, it’s important that you don’t inflame the situation any more by causing arguments or creating drama unnecessarily. Choose a time when you won’t be interrupted, sit down with them, and state your worries. Let them know that your worry comes from a place of love and concern, and that you are there to help them.
Have a plan
Even if you don’t know what to do or how to solve a situation, you have to instil confidence in your young person. Have some kind of plan, even if it’s just a case of sitting down each week together to have a chat about how things are going.
I support families by working with children, young people, and parents to develop the skills and tools to thrive in family life. If you would like to know more, please get in touch.